


You'll Be The Balance When I Waver

by Nugg



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Fluff, Light-Hearted, Lots of fluff and bf appreciation, M/M, Piercings, baby Ryuji cant handle needles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 04:23:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nugg/pseuds/Nugg
Summary: “It's gonna be okay,” his smile grew a bit, “it won't hurt as much as you think it will. I promise.”“What if you're lying to make me feel better?”He didn't answer.





	You'll Be The Balance When I Waver

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MusicalDefiance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalDefiance/gifts).



> Happy birthday musiccc!!

     It was cold out.

      Not, a  _oh my god I'm freezing my ass off_ type of cold. But a _my nose is red, I can barely see my breath, and the only other part of my body that is seemingly numbing is my legs_ type of cold. Which kinda begged the question of why that seemed to be the case, as Ryuji shifted, rubbing them together and waiting to cross the street.

        The tip of his nose poked out of his jacket, no matter how hard he tried to scrunch down, it stuck out, rosy now after being outside for quite some time. Taking his hands out of his pockets every so often to cup over his face and blow hot air.

          They slid easily back into Akira’s grip, all warm, and pleasant. Nice and so very soft. Probably because he moisturized with some frilly smelling lotion Ann had given him. He got a whiff when he decided to heat himself with his hands, it was kinda springy. He couldn't say it smelled like tulips, because he had never touched a tulip in his life. But, he would have liked to think that was what the scent was.

         That didn't take away the chilly weather of winter though. His calves were still begging for higher temperatures, and his face hurt when he faced the north. The wind was being so unkind to him.

          Dazzling city lights didn't fade in the frost, billboards flashed, Christmas decorations flickered. The whole area could have been illuminated by holiday lights alone, and Ryuji's gaze was constantly drawn up at the towering buildings to see marvelous reds and greens cascading in waves under windows.

        Dusting of snow on benches, the thin white blankets on the sidewalk. It didn't really ever snow much in Tokyo anyway. Puddles formed by day, and froze by night.

           Ryuji realized he wasn't paying as much attention to the warmth of the guy next to him as he should've been. Bumping shoulders by accident. Causing a detoured focus to the lights again.

           He liked the way the normal yellow ones looked on Akira's face, glancing over periodically, trying not to stare too long as he watched shop windows move past. Casting a glow to his complexion, perfectly catching the light, and highlighting the usual dark locks to show the brown undertones. Bouncing off his glasses, and making his flushed cheeks even more noticable. The cold was not only nipping at Ryuji... thankfully.

         When they turned down an alleyway, and the wonderful streets fell behind them. He realized it wasn't a trick of the lights- that, Akira was beautiful in any kind of setting. Brick blocking out the city, it gave a blue tint to everything. The cool colors worked nicely on pale skin, somehow still radiating heat like a furnace.

        Ryuji really did adore him, in fact  _He loved him_. And he would probably give a lung to him if he'd asked politely. Letting his soft expressions soak in enough, he could make Ryuji do anything.

       Love was kinda funny; the way he'd get all giddy over a text, the mushy feelings from just seeing Akira, walking into the café to be greeted by someone he could trust. Someone he would give everything for… He found it humorous that a single person could do that to him so easily.

        The alleyway grew colder and he shivered, thrown out of his thoughts by the frost. Boyfriend appreciation time tossed aside.

         A shop came into view, purple neon sign with a cobalt flare coming from special bulbs. They halted, both standing still in front of the door like it would open up on its own for them.

         Akira looked over to him, grey eyes darker now, clashing with a bank of snow by some trash cans. Their fingers were still wound tight. He squeezed, and Ryuji suddenly saw the nice violet from the store on his teeth as he smiled.

          He gave a small, rather nervous, smile back. He was tugged along. Shoved inside as chivalry came back to life. Door being held open for him. Breaking apart their hands.

          It was good to be out of the chilly air. (Although his legs still felt cold.) Taking in the area. Checkered floor making him dizzy. Waiting as a mop of black hair moved past him. Leaning on an empty counter.

           This must've been the waiting room. Sectioned off from the rest of the shop by a bunch of curtains. Mismatched chairs lining the rather dingy walls. Rips and tears in old leather and cloth.

           For a moment. Ryuji had almost forgotten he was getting a piercing.

           Dread filled him as his survey of the room fell upon countless shelves of jewelry. So many different types. A moon, a hot dog, _a regular dog._ The possibilities endless. The _pointy_ possibilities.

           He swore he caught a glimpse of a large needle before there was movement behind him. Turning to watch a curtain open. A man with bright green hair popping out.

            It seemed he used his resources. Metal in his brow. His lip, nose. Tons in his ears. It was always the stereotype for these people to have tattoos. So seeing clear skin was a bit confusing. _Maybe he had a sick dragon tattoo on his back or something??_

“We’re here for Sakamoto?” Akira took charge, straightening up, so casual with the man like they knew each other for years.

        The guy grinned, “Oh, the virgin!”

         Ryuji's eyes widened, _“The what!?”_ Mouth unhinged so wide. Chest pounding at the accusation just randomly placed on him.

          Twisting around, his boyfriend shook his head and reached out, brushing hands for a moment, “He means piercings, Ryuji. You don't have any.”

        Getting some sick satisfaction by that. The man moved from behind the counter. Pushing a curtain back, and gesturing for the boys to come through. Following the lead back into a larger room. Sectioned off by even more cloth hanging from the ceiling. Each adorned by mirrors and very nice leather chairs.

          Walking towards the back, the dude began to rummage through a drawer in one of the stations, “So, we were both thinking black pearls? Unless you have something in mind?”

         Akira nodded, nudging Ryujis side “I think it would look cool.”

          “U-uh. Yeah. Yeah! Totally.” He stammered and immediately felt so ashamed at his actions. Practically shaking for no good reason at all.

         Moving back up again. Adorned with gloves and some large- unreasonably scary- grey thing. He stood near the chair to their left. Raising a brow as a way to tell the blond to sit.

        Hesitantly, he obliged. Granting Akira a cautionary look as he took his place. Immediately gripping the armrests like he was going downhill on a roller coaster. Watching intensely ahead of him. Daring to look back would cause a panic attack he told himself he wasn't going to have today.

         With all the scary stuff they'd faced in the Metaverse. Disgusting monsters. Danger everywhere. He seriously didn't think he'd be this big of a baby. Squirming around in a chair over a needle.

         But, there he sat. Wishing he was out in the cold again. One jacket seemed like too many layers. He was sweating. So, undeniably, nervous.

          Getting pricked with needles for vaccines as a child was never his cup of tea anyhow. Flashing back reluctantly at him screeching at the doctors office. Seeing the once lovely nurse as a psychotic killer out to get him with a shot.

         The hold he had on his mom's hand was so tight. Dirty fingernails digging into delicate skin as he cried buckets. The look on her face a mix of compassion for her sobbing kid, and pain from his tiny little hands.

          “How much will it hurt?” He asked, noticing Akira glance up at him from his phone.

           The green haired man behind him smacked his lips, “I'd say for you, maybe... a four out of ten?”

          A four out of ten was considerably small to most. But oh god. Four was more than three. It was six away from being completely excruciating. A skinned knee was a three. And that shit _hurt._ So. _A four?_ Just what the hell did he get himself into!?

          His hand on the armrest was so tense, Ryuji hadn't noticed the comforting feeling. Coming to his senses to see Akira crouched in front of him. Nice, warm smile. Fingers drawing patterns into the shaky grip on the chair.

           “It's gonna be okay,” his smile grew a bit, “it won't hurt as much as you think it will. I promise.”

            “What if you're lying to make me feel better?”

            He didn't answer.

            Taking a hold of Ryuji's ear. The man hummed. Inspecting them. And making the kid even more nervous. Ready to bolt from the chair and never look back.

            A Christmas present. This whole thing was a gift. A nice gesture from Akira. Noticing how often hands roamed his own ears. Laying in bed and toying with the black studs on the cartilage. A habit, so close together. Heartbeats aligned, breath on Akiras neck.

             It looked nice on his boyfriend. And when asking all around his friend group. Nobody denied that Ryuji would look nice too. His mother cooing at his decision and thanking Akira for taking him. Also, embarrassing her son by telling Akira she could never get him to go. That he was a big baby.

            He wasn't afraid to admit that. He knew. It was childish to be so scared of getting his ears pierced. But nothing could change the pitt growing in his stomach.

            Flinching at the press of something cold to his earlobe, his fingers clamped down on Akiras hand. Sitting rigid as the guy lightly laughed, “I'm just marking where we'll put them. I'll tell you when it's gonna happen, okay?”

            “Okay.” he breathed. So shaky.

            “And I'll be right here with you.” Akira spread his fingers out underneath Ryuji's.

           Continuing to touch him. Walking around, making sure they were even. He actually thought he might've calmed down enough. That he would be okay, and not so worked up anymore.

          And then he brought out the grey thing. Uncovering it. To reveal that really, it looked more like an excessive hot glue gun. But Ryuji's eyes only focused heavily on the shiny piece of metal coming to a point in the middle.

          Immediately, his heart began to beat like it was in the middle of a drum solo. Aggressive. Practically feeling the anxiety flow through his veins. Eyes probably bulging out of his head at this point with all the nerves pulsing inside him.

          Too many parts of his body were humming at once. It was far too busy. Brain so stuck on the sharp tool, it forgot to send the signal to his lungs to breathe.

          “Alright,” the man said, placing the gun to his earlobe, “I'm gonna go on the count of three.”

          Ryuji nodded and squeezed Akira’s hand even harder. Snapping his eyes shut. Curling his toes in his shoes that were shaking from how on edge he was. Trying his best not to hunch down.

          “One.”

          Maybe if he went back to something calming. Maybe it would push away his fears. Or, at the very least, wrap them in warm fuzzy blankets to make them feel better.

           _Calm_. Calm like what he felt when he looked at Akira. Like what he would feel when his emotions got the best of him, resorting to using his fists. To get into a screaming match with himself. Calm like what flowed into him when a touch was there to stop him.

        Nice, soft touches. A light grip to his wrist. A finger to catch his angry tears. To wipe away the sadness mixed in from what he felt in being so upset in the first place.

         Akira's patterns in his palm when the storm subsided. Circles, twisty lines. An infinity sign that could also describe the endless ways he felt at peace when in his grasp.

         “Two.”

         _Shit shit shit shit._

Happiness! Like, what he felt when the dust floating freely in the sunlight filtering through dirty attic windows, had danced just like his heart did. Rays dotted with specs formed by time.

          Golden light in the morning. Blankets shifted around Ryuji's waist as he lay awake in the early hours. Caught in the arms of Akira. Watching how adorable he looked when he slept.

          Elated at the image. Long lashes draped carefully. Lips curved into a smile. Hair tousled in various directions. Finding such beauty in something as simple as sleep.

           The feeling he got when the sleepy grin grew was complete bliss. A bit of grey peeked through tired slits. Tiredly meeting Ryuji's loving gaze. Fluttering open and closed in a half awake attempt to adjust to the light filling the room.

            How wonderful he felt biting back his goofy grin. Getting a small chuckle out of Akira. How great it felt to laugh as a tired groan erupted from him. Rolling on top of Ryuji and slinging his arms around him. A lazy way to say he still wanted to sleep.

           “Three.”

            With a quick click, a dull pain came from his ear. Sucking in all the air his brain was putting on hold earlier. Nails digging crescents into the hand below him at the feeling.

            Quickly shifting to the other side. The cool metal pressed into his skin before he could even react. The guy leaning into Ryuji's view, “M’kay. You're doing great. Just one more.”

              _Oh god he_ _forgot about the second ear._

“One.”

This time was love. Love to distract him from the numbness coming over him in waves. To bury his anxiety like it always had.

              The overwhelming feeling he'd received every time he even looked at Akira. Taking in just how lucky he was to have him. To see a person so beautiful, and to get the chance to call them yours.

              Or, when he got suffocated in kisses. Face so heated from the one pressed to his cheek. To his nose. To his chin. Held down, and assaulted by lips. Frenzy of frantic moving and giggles subsiding when the two pairs finally met. Sweet and simple. Soaking in the presence, and bathing in the adoration for his boyfriend.

              When his mother would smile. And when he would see the pain of the past in her eyes. Etched into the aging lines beneath them. Brown wood so battered, still in the stage of restoration. So full of life besides the ruthless memories.

            The love he felt when his mom was able to thrive after so many downhill spirals. The unconditional love he felt for her. Radiating at the way she tugged on his roots when bleaching them. And never faltering when he was deemed a failure. A delinquent.

           What he had felt when those he held close defied the labels.

            “Two.”

       Damn, could he think of any more? Anything better than what he'd already thought of? Something great?

       The long lost feeling of lightning surging through his body. Like electric stitches fusing together the wounds made by the unfair world. The fantastic way he had felt when he called upon Captain Kidd.

       Even if it had been a while since the cognitive world was destroyed, he could still sense the power. His persona giving him everything he was sure he'd never see again.

         Well, when he read manga he felt pretty good too-

         “Three.”

          _Click!_

         Stepping away, the piercer looked at his work. Going too fast for Ryuji to register the pain, “Looks good!”

           Everything was numb for a second. Blinking hard, trying to get out of the state of shock he was put into by a pair of earrings. Watching Akira stand in front of him, lips split thin in the steady smile spreading on his face.

           “They look fantastic.” Akira nodded alongside the man. Both standing idly, waiting for the blond to get up.

            There was a voice in the back of his head telling him to leave. To take the throbbing sensation with ease and go home before it got even colder outside. But his limbs didn’t move.

          He was frozen. Stuck. Unable to will any part of himself to stand from the chair and take the pain like a man.

            _It really freakin’ hurt._

Emotions always got the best of him. Whether it be happiness, anger, or sadness, it consumed his actions. And pain? That was easy to decipher. Pain was something he'd always cried over. He didn't want to cry. Especially in front of some person he'd never met. Desperately trying to think of anything mood lifting to stop the upcoming waterworks.

          Puppies in bow ties. The feeling he'd got from being praised. The way his boyfriend twisted his hair when he was bored. _The horrid stinging on his ear. No no no no._

           A single tear rolled from his eye. And like it was his duty to console, Akira immediately stepped forward to thwart the rest. Crouching in front of him. Face twisted with sympathy as hands went to Ryujis cheeks.

           He was finally able to hunch down properly. Bowing his head to hide his face, already puffy from just a few snivels. So immature. He wasn't really sure if the crying was even from the aching anymore. Like, the fact that he was crying over something so stupid,  made him feel even worse.

         Salty water flowed. Throat thick. Heaving with deep trembles, the nice, soft, fingers swiping at his tears weren't helping much. But, the thought of him being so sympathetic made Ryuji's heart just a bit warmer. And seemed to crank the faucet in his eyes to shut down.

        He pushed the hands away as he rubbed his watery eyes with his palms. Telling himself repeatedly that he was fine. He was overreacting. That he looked badass. Despite the fact that he was letting earrings get to him...

            _God._ He was such a child. Crying over a small prick in his skin? Letting himself be so vulnerable in front of the rather uncomfortable looking piercer. He probably thought he was some lunatic. That no sane person could possibly be this distraught over earrings.

           Still sniveling, he shook his head, “I’m good.. I’m good.”

           Akira leaned forward to look at Ryuji's face, “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah. Sorry ‘bout that. I’m just a little blubbering baby.” He laughed, nose all stuffed up from the tears.

             The man waved him off, “Aye. It’s alright. Plenty of people have cried in here. At least ya didn’t pass out.”

              Ryuji suddenly decided he wasn’t going to say anything about being lightheaded. Taking the small bit of dignity he had left in him and running with it. He finally stood.

           Maybe, if Akira’s light grip on him wasn't there to ground him, his wobbly jello legs would give out. Causing him to crash to the ground. And granting more embarrassment than any he’d received earlier.

            But despite his imagination. He was given a loving smile as he got up. Hands slotting together almost automatically as the man lifted the curtain again.

             He stood close as he paid. Still catching himself wandering on all the piercings. He also might've been trying to avoid looking at the person who caused him all the hurt. Letting the sounds of a cash register mute whatever conversation was going on in front of him.

           “Have a good night kids. Careful of the cold. Wash out your piercing with this,” Ryuji followed his hands intently, watching a bottle shoved towards him, “And, wait about six months to change ‘em.”

           It might've been measly and weak, but, a scratchy, “Thanks.” Was all he managed out. Scuffing his feet against the floor.

            “It looks great. Thank you.” Akira took the reins, grabbing the bottle and saying what Ryuji probably should've said.

           He waved the two off. And Ryuji couldn't risk falling on ice fast enough. Dried tears hurting his face. Shuffling away, tugging Akira along. Back through the dark alley and into the lit up streets where the buildings were painted by Christmas.

             Immediately in the light, he reached up to his ear. Ignoring the dull look he was currently receiving. Hissing slightly at the touch. It stung, but, he really did have to admit that they were cool. The black pearl twisting in his fingers.

          “Handsome.” Akira grinned, watching Ryuji toy with the piercing. Burying his face in his scarf to shield himself from the rather cold gusts of wind hitting them.

           Even after all this time. Ryuji still fell victim to the charm, fiddling with the new addition to his ear. Thinking how idiotic it was that just one word could make his heart bunch up, “Really?”

    Nodding, he reached out towards the blond, lips curved upwards in the lasting smile he’d probably had for hours by now. So gentle through it all, Ryuji dropped his hold on the earring, and took his slot graciously. Glad for the sudden warmth, almost forgetting that Akira had always seemed to be a walking space heater.

    It was a good thing too. The cold finally weaseling its way back in, nipping at just his legs for reasons he’s sure he’ll never understand. Feeling more heat as the thoughts from earlier of how great his boyfriend was had come back, making his cheeks flush. Ready to make a mental note on how much more he liked the darker sky coexisting with the holiday glow on Akira's face.

    Maybe he saw Ryuji staring. Because when they stopped at a crosswalk, he caught the ashy eyes with his own. Looking back at him with adoration, accompanied by a rather smug expression buried beneath his scarf.

    “Whatta ya got that face for?”

    “Nothing…” He paused. And Ryuji took a wild guess that it wasn’t the case as he continued, walking across the street, “Just, thought you did good today.”

    He raised a brow, “Eh? Did good on what exactly?’

    Rolling his shoulders, Akira let his cool demeanor practically shout out its presence, “You faced your fears. You did good.”

    _It couldn’t possibly be that simple. He was gonna say something smart. He was gonna be a dork. Probably tease him._

“You were a good boy.” He was muffled in the fabric around his neck. Not needing to see his mouth to know his smirk still was there, “I’m proud of how brave you were.”

          For a moment, he was sure it was a genuine compliment. But, a scowl began to form upon processing the words. Heavily focusing on, “Good boy.”

           “Aw dude, do you always hafta say shit like that?” Ryuji groaned, wishing desperately that his coat was willing to cooperate and hide his face.

          Again, he shrugged. The action becoming more of a hobby as of late, “Of course.”

         They walked in silence for a while. Ryuji listening to the way their feet made weird crunchy noises on the snow. Deciding it was a good way to keep his mind busy. Rather than dwelling on his urge to smack Akira upside the head.

           The lights were thought of too much by this point. Which, didn’t mean his boyfriend was any less lovely in them. It meant, staring at him wasn’t going to yield any means of distraction.

           His face was still pretty. It would always be. So, maybe if he concentrated on the slope of his nose. Or, how pink his lips were against the porcelain skin. The _flawless_ complexion he would never stop envying. _(The one he was gonna continue to blame on an unfair gene pool.)_

Perhaps that could distract him from the various things going wrong in his head. The load of embarrassing thoughts was weighing heavy, and needed to carried easier. So, focusing more on nice things rather than becoming cemented in overused coping mechanisms… might work.

        _Unless Akira noticed him fidgeting that is._

 _“_ What’s up?” He asked as they turned a corner, some familiar landmarks coming into view.

         Ryuji tried his best, but, “Nothin’ worth talkin’ about.” Really didn’t settle right with Akira. Earning an unimpressed, all knowing look.

The settled silence seemed to be his punishment. Growing frustrated with the crunching snow now. Irritated at the visible air coming from his mouth when he tried to regulate his breathing.

          “Is it because you cried?”

           His mouth flew open and he jolted back in defense, “No!”

           Akira let a dreadful grin spread. One filled with all the smart ass things he had floating around in his sly head. One that told Ryuji that, if he didn't want to be teased endlessly, he'd better spill it.

            “God damn,” he grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets, missing the warmth from being intertwined with the one interrogating him in the middle of a sidewalk devoid of any people. All sane enough to keep out of the cold, “Congrats, you got it right ya ass.”

             “It's okay to cry Ryu.” Akira tried his best, stepping forward. No force needed to connect gazes. One filled with compassion, and the other full to the brim with agony.

             When he realized being defensive wasn't going to work anymore, he sighed, “I know, I know. I just feel silly. Ya know? Like. What kinda guy cries over a poke to his ears?”

             “You mean, a sharp object puncturing through your skin _twice?”_ He continued to close the space, “A lot of guys.”

              Ryuji felt heat trickle into his bloodstream. The lovely reassurance getting to him. Words slick, and full of purpose. Dripping  with the comfort Akira had always managed to radiate.

             “Thank ya,” he wasn't going to drop their eye contact, looking deeply in them like doing so was the only way he could speak, “I really like ‘em’”

            “‘Sides, I only cried for like, a minute.” Ryuji mumbled, looking to his shoes that were far too inappropriate for the current weather.

            Akira arched a brow, pursing his lips in the arrogant way he always had when he was about to poke fun at him. Tiny black hairs that needed desperately to be trimmed framing his face, almost like they were presenting his smirk, “I counted more like, five.”

            Groaning, Ryuji shoved him away, “Shut it Kurusu, you ass.” Biting back a smile at the innocent laugh that rung through the empty streets.

              Maybe he was okay with it all. And, no, not _just_ the piercings. Not _just_ getting over the fact that sharp objects like needles going anywhere near his skin scared the shit out of him. But, more so, okay with what it had brought.

             He was okay with his cold legs. Because the cold meant Christmas. And Christmas meant that he could admire all the wonderful ways the lights played on Akira’s skin.

          And, the pain meant he could hold onto Akira's hand just a bit harder than he usually did. To feel the fingers beneath his. To actually enjoy sweaty palms if it meant he could wrap his hand around his and squeeze as much as he wanted to.

           It was still cold out.

           But, he supposed with the fervent grin plastered on both their faces. Hot enough to melt the ice. He could manage.

            He could totally intentionally torment himself with a needle, cry, and be perfectly okay with it all.

           Even if Akira had taken a picture of a tear streaked Ryuji that he really didn’t remember being shot. Too busy freaking out. Lip jutted out. Black pearls and cheeks shimmering with salty water, and send that to the group chat.

           He was perfectly content.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayoooooooo
> 
> Happy birf Music <3 Ily
> 
> U are a bean, and no matter how much you and I joke about being trash, you're amazing. I’ve only been in the discord for not even two months and I lov u. You make everything so much fun, and you’re relatable in everything you do. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I know you love you some Akira. Ur a great human ya know? 
> 
> Also, I’m sorry I killed Akira in HGs. Blease use this fic also as an apology for, “severely slicing him.”
> 
> (Also god bless Lody for editing this and opening my eyes to how many sentence fragments i have)


End file.
